long road home

Kinda faraway from home at the moment....
That home I meant was actually physical traditional home. You know, the one where our parents, dogs, siblings are.

Years ago, I had come to think that home is where the people my heart resides.
It used to be my parents, till one day I fell in love..... then, one day I fell out of love...

Ever since the falling ins and outs, I got lost. There is a saying somewhere, I am not sure of the source anymore, anything that could be lost was never yours in the first place. It was but a myth, a dream, an illusion.

So yeah, home is not with parents, nor with people whom I had once passionately loved, then one day........
I was told that the answer was within all this while, the answers that I had looked so hard for outwardly, ever afraid of missing it if I dare so much of glanced the wrong way, was actually within me all this while.

There is a catch though, I would have to witness it for myself to know the fact for myself that the answer is within, and that it is true and valid to me myself. Therefore, I am currently on this journey. Somewhat like how people would call it, soul searching, journey within so on so forth.

Taking an out from the so call norms of life to do this thing. Honestly, I am feeling kinda lost, and honestly, I am enjoying feeling lost, am I making sense? I hope I am, I know what I said makes perfect sense for myself.

A dear friend asked me, without a car wouldn't you find it challenging, as you are so used to having one at your convenience all this while. My first answer was, I am already living next to the range, I just need to look out of the balcony, or window, and I would catch a glimpse of the hills' greenery, the trees shisha-ing in the wind, the reflection of the colorful clouds on the surface of the lakes.... I am already in the place where I felt best inside out. I wouldn't wish to be in any other place at all, so, why a car? Not now, maybe one day, but not now.

Today when I hugged the bear I bought for myself as I walked home from Tesco, I found myself thanking thanking and thanking so hard for all, everything, and above all, the bear in my arms. It's the first ever teddy I bought for myself. The first. Others were gifts, not that they meant any less, but somehow this bear felt much more special.

First, it had lost an eye. Somehow all my soft toys would come to loose an eye as time goes by, don't ask me how or why, beats me too. So yeah, when I saw bear without one eye, I was like, this is my teddy, it's meant for me.

Two, It's huge, 10inch to be exact (at least that was the description on the tag). For a bear this size, usually it would be hundred bucks more (or much higher, depending on quality and brand). The first time I asked for the price (somehow, no price tag), I was told that it is 59.90, and I apologized, saying it is over my budget (can you imagine my idea of it was around 30 bucks?). I left teddy back on its rack, alone, the last bear, and without a price tag. Then, I found that I couldn't stop thinking about it, and then I was like, I don't care anymore, bear is coming back with me. Today, I went. Again, no price tag. So, I went to the counter, and they pointed me to the lady in charge of prices. She checked, and I appealed about the missing eye. Somehow, by some miraculous turn, the price they gave me was RM34.32 ,with an indication of "last piece stock" on the tag. I broke into a huge smile, and felt like a big kid being handed over her new year present, literally. So yeah, I hugged bear hard all the way home.

Third. Somehow, I felt connected when I hugged him for the first time, my heart tugged. Weird, but true.

So yeah, I had with me a huge bear!!!! Woohoo..... and a long way away from home(the traditional one). Yet, somehow closer than I ever was.

Gosh, it feels damn good to be blogging again. I miss writing. I don't care anymore, I would just write. It feels damn right.