Many things had happened today. I suspect today is one of those days that some might label as terrible, tiring, brutal or something something. I am so exhausted, and when I read my facebook, I found out that I am not the only one having a rather challenging Friday, if not a rather challenging week.
It is when things just couldn't get any better that I would wonder what is the reason behind all this? Why? Why me? Why this? Why here, why now?
Something about me being not right? Am I just broken?
Remember we always mention Karma?
What goes up must come down, they said.
Sweetness bear sweetness, bitterness bear bitterness.....
So the justification of me having this now must be because I had been bad in one way or another yeah?
However, when I scrutinize my anger and disappointment of what had happened I realized something crucial about the so called negative emotion. It is just it, born from the differentiation ability of our mind.
That is when I realized that in justice versus injustice, there is just no logic.
There is just a simple choice of how one had chosen to view the situation at hand. My dear ks echoed and said that could probably be the only choice we have as human and mortal beings.
By the situation, I mean the situation of my mind set.
Yeah I am upset. Then, realized ...... this is how upset felt like. Then, this mind pattern had led to such emotional patterns. Mental formation is just that, mental formations. Noticing how some mental patterns bore downward spiral of emotions while some is like total euphoric in nature....
That is when one could make a choice what to think, from the choice of flavor from our mood reflected from our mindset.
Note there is still a mindset differentiating state of mindsets here. At the end, anything is fine, I can cry my heart out and faint or bleed till death in heart if I wish to. The universe would just let me, I have complete freedom in this.
So, I have an answer to my question, some days, this fact seems far, as the mental formations stick harder, it is like trying hard to climb our from a sticky muddy pool. Some times, it seems easier, so easy, it just took a flip of heart beat, and I am over it.
There is just no perfection of things, there is just a perfection in knowing and recognizing, there is no perfection. Period. Hence. Everything is perfection. As is. If I know it by anything else, it is time to look through the mental formation currently sticking onto me as my current state of mind. It would be the current state of reality that I happened to be living in.
It is just like how the coming super cute Kathina t shirt tag line : WORK IN PROGRESS. Sorry for any inconveniences caused.
Absolutely love that apology line. I could even just wear it as my theme some of the days when I just felt like a grouchy bear growling at everybody.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................................ LOL................................
The week is over dear everybody.
We might still need to face things come Monday. We might still need to work it through the week. Still, life is life, and there is only one reason not to smile : when one decides one couldn't/should't/wouldn't smile. Anyway, who makes it a rule saying that one must smile after all? I can choose to mop and cry all weekend can I? Why not? If it makes me happy. LOL....
Have a great weekend of your choice everyone.
If I can't remember who loves me, I at least could notice that I am still breathing, and that it all that matters, I guess, as I am not sure what is real and permanently true anymore. Wait, that line itself seems true now. Haha.
Miss you ks, wherever you are.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
To each their own.
Her name popped up in my mind today, and when i fb her news, she had recently gotten married. ^ ^
Well, happy for her.
When I saw the rules she set for her happiness as an independent woman, I found my mind boggled.
Wow......
Could i safely conclude that we all have our own rules and wishes for the ultimate reality of dreams OF and IN life?
One man's apple is another person's poison.
Can I be sour grapes? Well. She got the man of her dreams (i do hope that). Wedding gown of her dreams, and I am sure she would make sure life is as much as she had hoped for.
When we were kids (really, less than ten years old), she said her man of dreams would be someone who would love and treasure her like she is the diamond in his hands. I think she found him. With or without him, she is a piece of jewelry, she had made sure of that, on top of conditions being kind to her. So a girl (ahem, dun tell me i have to self refer to as a woman) can go green with jealousy right? It is a woman's right. Haha.
I spoke to my darling friend a few nights ago, and she was practically happy for me for what I currently am and have, and when she said something about what it could BE, that was when it had my mind boggled. I had a shock, and that word is still an understatement. As I realized I never expected the possibilities of those thoughts.
Just read a blog somewhere about a woman who does not dress for men, referring to herself as man repeller. In my case, I have to admit I dun go into relationships with the idea for it to last. In fact, that is the last thing on my mind. I am all ready to pack up and leave one day. That is actually my attitude in everything. Is it fear? But to me, freedom to breath is what I wish for.
In all. Work. Life. Family. Love.
(Come to think of it, both sides of lasting or not are ideas... Hmm........)
It took me a long time to understand myself to be the way i am, to certain extent, it had even cost me many things, many relationships of many kind, and many people who had been very kind to me. Something came to mind, "work in progress, excuse me for any inconveniences caused. " LOL. Thank you for that line.
A buddy told me this, "it is like anytime u r just packing up and walking away"..... .
Well, guilty.
Isn't it beautiful when the birds take flight whenever they wish, the cats walk when they feel like it, the leaves wither from their tree and just float off when it is just that, it is time.
On one hand, I am like that, on the other hand, totally clingy. I love to hang around the person I love the whole day. If i could. When I felt like it, I could just sit around a person I wish to, whole day, until I got fed up and walk off for my own time. (or until that person got fed up and walk off for their own time). In university times i could hang around my favorite bestie all day, many days, even bedtimes, and then when I finally had enough, I would go back to my own room, and veg alone for days, then resurface in the world again after a spell of solitude.
Does that mean that a superficial physical relationship is what I am after? Definitely not. That is very hollow. No substance. Not even surface friendliness and comfort could even come close to my expectation, if there is something that makes out my list of expectations. All I can say is, my expectations is when there is no expectations. My wish is when there is no wish. My love is when there is no noose. In fact, i felt like a bird perching on the wall, looking and singing to the man I love, who would just whistle a tune or two at me when he felt like it, and I AM FREE TO FLY OFF ANYTIME I WISH TO. There are many times I felt he had given me a gift of vastness.
There are concepts tying ideas of love relationships with eternity, responsibility of eternities, expectations to be fulfilled, till death do us part. Many more, and the main aim of that is about security of life. Yet, it is when we thought we are secured, that we spend time securing it. The energy. It is very very exhausting. Try the question : "will you still love me, tomorrow?". Sorry dear. I don't know. Thank goodness i am no longer asked that, nor asking that.
Still. I know that this is the situation for me. I have many friends who define love, life, family, responsibilities and expectations differently. So, as titled, to each their own.
Not to say I do not long for security, being mortal after all. However, I have to admit that I loath security that is actually a disguise and drug to hide fear. In fact, we are combating fear like it is a real substance everyday. Fear is everything that is opposite of what we want, what we like, and what we are attached to. Hence, it is just natural that fear exist the moment there is something i like and wish to hold on to. They are one.
Not to say I do not wallow in nerves of lost. LOL. I embarrassed myself enough in this. Put it this way, if I realized I no longer love him, then that would be it. That works two ways. I had recently realized to love him is a phenomena. It is not about what he does, for it is obvious that once I no longer love him, whatever he used to do would no longer yield the same feeling. Neither me for him.
Still, to know and realized it is one, to face the fact of all my old habits of feeding the wants and needs and attentions is totally another. I have to admit I am very lucky to get to face this, and realized that loving him and expecting him to satisfy all these wants are totally two mutually exclusive things. Do it not in the name of love, and request it not in the disguise of love.
I would have to admit that self clarity, gnothi seauton, ticks me most.
No amount of mistakes or things done right in worldly sense could out win and deny this sense of clarity one has. It is the one thing that truly makes life. If I am to dream, I wish that I know I am dreaming. Period. One can say a lot of things and accused another of many a things, but we all live our own realities. That, is true.
And, I love you.
Well, happy for her.
When I saw the rules she set for her happiness as an independent woman, I found my mind boggled.
Wow......
Could i safely conclude that we all have our own rules and wishes for the ultimate reality of dreams OF and IN life?
One man's apple is another person's poison.
Can I be sour grapes? Well. She got the man of her dreams (i do hope that). Wedding gown of her dreams, and I am sure she would make sure life is as much as she had hoped for.
When we were kids (really, less than ten years old), she said her man of dreams would be someone who would love and treasure her like she is the diamond in his hands. I think she found him. With or without him, she is a piece of jewelry, she had made sure of that, on top of conditions being kind to her. So a girl (ahem, dun tell me i have to self refer to as a woman) can go green with jealousy right? It is a woman's right. Haha.
I spoke to my darling friend a few nights ago, and she was practically happy for me for what I currently am and have, and when she said something about what it could BE, that was when it had my mind boggled. I had a shock, and that word is still an understatement. As I realized I never expected the possibilities of those thoughts.
Just read a blog somewhere about a woman who does not dress for men, referring to herself as man repeller. In my case, I have to admit I dun go into relationships with the idea for it to last. In fact, that is the last thing on my mind. I am all ready to pack up and leave one day. That is actually my attitude in everything. Is it fear? But to me, freedom to breath is what I wish for.
In all. Work. Life. Family. Love.
(Come to think of it, both sides of lasting or not are ideas... Hmm........)
It took me a long time to understand myself to be the way i am, to certain extent, it had even cost me many things, many relationships of many kind, and many people who had been very kind to me. Something came to mind, "work in progress, excuse me for any inconveniences caused. " LOL. Thank you for that line.
A buddy told me this, "it is like anytime u r just packing up and walking away"..... .
Well, guilty.
Isn't it beautiful when the birds take flight whenever they wish, the cats walk when they feel like it, the leaves wither from their tree and just float off when it is just that, it is time.
On one hand, I am like that, on the other hand, totally clingy. I love to hang around the person I love the whole day. If i could. When I felt like it, I could just sit around a person I wish to, whole day, until I got fed up and walk off for my own time. (or until that person got fed up and walk off for their own time). In university times i could hang around my favorite bestie all day, many days, even bedtimes, and then when I finally had enough, I would go back to my own room, and veg alone for days, then resurface in the world again after a spell of solitude.
Does that mean that a superficial physical relationship is what I am after? Definitely not. That is very hollow. No substance. Not even surface friendliness and comfort could even come close to my expectation, if there is something that makes out my list of expectations. All I can say is, my expectations is when there is no expectations. My wish is when there is no wish. My love is when there is no noose. In fact, i felt like a bird perching on the wall, looking and singing to the man I love, who would just whistle a tune or two at me when he felt like it, and I AM FREE TO FLY OFF ANYTIME I WISH TO. There are many times I felt he had given me a gift of vastness.
There are concepts tying ideas of love relationships with eternity, responsibility of eternities, expectations to be fulfilled, till death do us part. Many more, and the main aim of that is about security of life. Yet, it is when we thought we are secured, that we spend time securing it. The energy. It is very very exhausting. Try the question : "will you still love me, tomorrow?". Sorry dear. I don't know. Thank goodness i am no longer asked that, nor asking that.
Still. I know that this is the situation for me. I have many friends who define love, life, family, responsibilities and expectations differently. So, as titled, to each their own.
Not to say I do not long for security, being mortal after all. However, I have to admit that I loath security that is actually a disguise and drug to hide fear. In fact, we are combating fear like it is a real substance everyday. Fear is everything that is opposite of what we want, what we like, and what we are attached to. Hence, it is just natural that fear exist the moment there is something i like and wish to hold on to. They are one.
Not to say I do not wallow in nerves of lost. LOL. I embarrassed myself enough in this. Put it this way, if I realized I no longer love him, then that would be it. That works two ways. I had recently realized to love him is a phenomena. It is not about what he does, for it is obvious that once I no longer love him, whatever he used to do would no longer yield the same feeling. Neither me for him.
Still, to know and realized it is one, to face the fact of all my old habits of feeding the wants and needs and attentions is totally another. I have to admit I am very lucky to get to face this, and realized that loving him and expecting him to satisfy all these wants are totally two mutually exclusive things. Do it not in the name of love, and request it not in the disguise of love.
I would have to admit that self clarity, gnothi seauton, ticks me most.
No amount of mistakes or things done right in worldly sense could out win and deny this sense of clarity one has. It is the one thing that truly makes life. If I am to dream, I wish that I know I am dreaming. Period. One can say a lot of things and accused another of many a things, but we all live our own realities. That, is true.
And, I love you.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
very simple. Happiness is when i see u smile, i smile.
Went to do something very unusual on fb today.
In fact, facebook no longer holds the same meaning of existence like it used to be anymore, ever since i am no longer addicted to it as a place to express myself.
Today, when i looked at all those happy faces, I am happy, and in short, that is all that matters.
No other words, no other stories of the past matters.
In fact, the reason I knew that is happiness is because I have seen them personally before, knowing that that is indeed genuine heart felt smiles, for they vibrate and echo.
Thank you to everything that had allowed for such freedom of heart. I am grateful, ever grateful.
I love you, to the existence that holds my affection now. Thank you for being in my life this way.
Things come and go, I do not expect eternity, neither of us do. Thank you for that too.
In fact, facebook no longer holds the same meaning of existence like it used to be anymore, ever since i am no longer addicted to it as a place to express myself.
Today, when i looked at all those happy faces, I am happy, and in short, that is all that matters.
No other words, no other stories of the past matters.
In fact, the reason I knew that is happiness is because I have seen them personally before, knowing that that is indeed genuine heart felt smiles, for they vibrate and echo.
Thank you to everything that had allowed for such freedom of heart. I am grateful, ever grateful.
I love you, to the existence that holds my affection now. Thank you for being in my life this way.
Things come and go, I do not expect eternity, neither of us do. Thank you for that too.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Is there anything I could do for you?
Nepal had a severe earthquake now that everyone in access to the news would know. Been there quite a number of years ago. It is a beautiful place. With the whole country in chaos, what could I do for them? What am I able to do for you? Money? Aid?
How? In my daily life? How?
I saw the Nepalese guards downstairs and I wondered, how? I am so sorry for what had happened in your hometown, is there anything I could do to at least share the burden of the pain?
It is raining, and I realized, I couldn't help crying.
Is there anything I could do
How? In my daily life? How?
I saw the Nepalese guards downstairs and I wondered, how? I am so sorry for what had happened in your hometown, is there anything I could do to at least share the burden of the pain?
It is raining, and I realized, I couldn't help crying.
Is there anything I could do
Friday, April 24, 2015
exploration of life to the limit of my mind, and then beyond
A gentle disclaimer : When I say limit, I mean limit that would content me at heart, not any externally set limit that is up to the general scrutinized expectations.
Left home more than a year ago at the end of 2013. It is now 2015. This Saturday morning, I sit by the lake, the middle heart of my project site that plants trees, and reminisce about the year that had passed by.
I could safely say in a way that I had done myself proud. There are no unexplored part of "what if" now. I had done everything I could to know for the certainty of that. I know myself much better than how I used to when I stepped out of y father's home door that Nov 2013, not so long after my 31st birthday.
I went on a very long long holiday. I never knew that I am a workaholic, one that must have a reason a guide a factor to fight for to live on, until the day I went on a long holiday with nothing else to do except to rest and to amuse myself within my means. Being an easily contented person, I actually do not need much. I would rather stay at home all day, and enjoy my own full time. Give me a nook and cranny, I would keep it clean, and then cook my meals, then watch my cartoons and read my books. And SLEEP. Boy did i sleep whenever I could. My body went into full swing rest mode, needing all the rest it had been previously deprived.
I would only be kidding myself to say that I am an ambitious person. LOL.
Definitely not. Naturally lazy and slow paced, but crazily rushy and uptight when given a task, I swing from one end to another like a pendulum. I would go all the way till the end of what I could muster, and then take a very deep good rest. In which to say, such pattern is not suitable when a work task demands ongoing consistency of effort. I do sprints ok, but just not a good one in marathon. I run out of breath very soon. Too soon. The fact that I am a perfectionist when trying to get certain things done does not help this case. Or maybe, the whole thing combine to make me me, and I am honestly contented with who I am, at ease at it, and enjoy being me, especially the part of my habit that would take me directly out of my comfort zone to see how far I could go, until the point i would declare no more.
It is at the point when I start out from the limit of my mind could imagine, that I begun to discover thing,that my mind, or rather, mind itself is one of the biggest deceiver I have ever had. The joke would be, I thought I own my mind. Wonder who is the bigger fool, the one that thought is the owner of the mind, or the mind thinking it is the owner.
Left home more than a year ago at the end of 2013. It is now 2015. This Saturday morning, I sit by the lake, the middle heart of my project site that plants trees, and reminisce about the year that had passed by.
I could safely say in a way that I had done myself proud. There are no unexplored part of "what if" now. I had done everything I could to know for the certainty of that. I know myself much better than how I used to when I stepped out of y father's home door that Nov 2013, not so long after my 31st birthday.
I went on a very long long holiday. I never knew that I am a workaholic, one that must have a reason a guide a factor to fight for to live on, until the day I went on a long holiday with nothing else to do except to rest and to amuse myself within my means. Being an easily contented person, I actually do not need much. I would rather stay at home all day, and enjoy my own full time. Give me a nook and cranny, I would keep it clean, and then cook my meals, then watch my cartoons and read my books. And SLEEP. Boy did i sleep whenever I could. My body went into full swing rest mode, needing all the rest it had been previously deprived.
I would only be kidding myself to say that I am an ambitious person. LOL.
Definitely not. Naturally lazy and slow paced, but crazily rushy and uptight when given a task, I swing from one end to another like a pendulum. I would go all the way till the end of what I could muster, and then take a very deep good rest. In which to say, such pattern is not suitable when a work task demands ongoing consistency of effort. I do sprints ok, but just not a good one in marathon. I run out of breath very soon. Too soon. The fact that I am a perfectionist when trying to get certain things done does not help this case. Or maybe, the whole thing combine to make me me, and I am honestly contented with who I am, at ease at it, and enjoy being me, especially the part of my habit that would take me directly out of my comfort zone to see how far I could go, until the point i would declare no more.
It is at the point when I start out from the limit of my mind could imagine, that I begun to discover thing,that my mind, or rather, mind itself is one of the biggest deceiver I have ever had. The joke would be, I thought I own my mind. Wonder who is the bigger fool, the one that thought is the owner of the mind, or the mind thinking it is the owner.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
蘇打綠 sodagreen -【無眠】國語版 Official Music Video
好爱好爱好爱这首歌。
它的歌词、旋律之动人，能起共鸣的都觉得振动了心旋。
整首歌，振动的最深深处的= = 守着回忆，葬在里面。太深入这首歌的动感时，心疼了。
【曲/史俊威 詞/吳青峰 導演/徐仁峰】
今夜的月光超載太重
照著我一夜哄不成夢
每根頭髮都失眠
天空他究竟在思念誰
是不是都和我一樣
揮不去昨日甜美的細節
才讓今天又淪陷
你現在想著誰 有沒有和我相同的感覺
固執等著誰 卻驚覺已無法倒退
曾經想一起飛 在自己心中蓋了座花園
把你的一切 都種在這個地點
卻像魚 守在裡面
(卻是魚 守在裡面)
(像條魚 守在裡面 守著幻影 葬在裡面)
不管要多少時間多少眼淚多少落空來等待
不管你是不是會回來
其實我也不明白 為什麼如此傻傻地期盼
你是我僅有的愛
你現在想著誰 有沒有和我相同的感覺
固執等著誰 卻驚覺已無法倒退
曾經想一起飛 在自己心中蓋了座花園
把你的一切 都種在這個地點
像條魚 守在裡面
守著幻影 葬在裡面
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
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