To each their own.

Her name popped up in my mind today, and when i fb her news, she had recently gotten married. ^ ^
Well, happy for her.
When I saw the rules she set for her happiness as an independent woman, I found my mind boggled.
Wow......
Could i safely conclude that we all have our own rules and wishes for the ultimate reality of dreams OF and IN life?

One man's apple is another person's poison.

Can I be sour grapes? Well. She got the man of her dreams (i do hope that). Wedding gown of her dreams, and I am sure she would make sure life is as much as she had hoped for.

When we were kids (really, less than ten years old), she said her man of dreams would be someone who would love and treasure her like she is the diamond in his hands. I think she found him. With or without him, she is a piece of jewelry, she had made sure of that, on top of conditions being kind to her. So a girl (ahem, dun tell me i have to self refer to as a woman) can go green with jealousy right? It is a woman's right. Haha.

I spoke to my darling friend a few nights ago, and she was practically happy for me for what I currently am and have, and when she said something about what it could BE, that was when it had my mind boggled. I had a shock, and that word is still an understatement. As I realized I never expected the possibilities of those thoughts.

Just read a blog somewhere about a woman who does not dress for men, referring to herself as man repeller.  In my case, I have to admit I dun go into relationships with the idea for it to last. In fact, that is the last thing on my mind. I am all ready to pack up and leave one day. That is actually my attitude in everything. Is it fear? But to me, freedom to breath is what I wish for.

In all. Work. Life. Family. Love.
(Come to think of it, both sides of lasting or not are ideas... Hmm........)
It took me a long time to understand myself to be the way i am, to certain extent, it had even cost me many things, many relationships of many kind, and many people who had been very kind to me. Something came to mind, "work in progress, excuse me for any inconveniences caused. " LOL. Thank you for that line.

A buddy told me this, "it is like anytime u r just packing up and walking away"..... .
Well, guilty.
Isn't it beautiful when the birds take flight whenever they wish, the cats walk when they feel like it, the leaves wither from their tree and just float off when it is just that, it is time.
On one hand, I am like that, on the other hand, totally clingy. I love to hang around the person I love the whole day. If i could.  When I felt like it, I could just sit around a person I wish to, whole day, until I got fed up and walk off for my own time. (or until that person got fed up and walk off for their own time). In university times i could hang around my favorite bestie all day, many days, even bedtimes, and then when I finally had enough, I would go back to my own room, and veg alone for days, then resurface in the world again after a spell of solitude.

Does that mean that a superficial physical relationship is what I am after? Definitely not. That is very hollow. No substance. Not even surface friendliness and comfort could even come close to my expectation, if there is something that makes out my list of expectations. All I can say is, my expectations is when there is no expectations. My wish is when there is no wish. My love is when there is no noose. In fact, i felt like a bird perching on the wall, looking and singing to the man I love, who would just whistle a tune or two at me when he felt like it, and I AM FREE TO FLY OFF ANYTIME I WISH TO. There are many times I felt he had given me a gift of vastness.

There are concepts tying ideas of love relationships with eternity, responsibility of eternities, expectations to be fulfilled, till death do us part. Many more, and the main aim of that is about security of life. Yet, it is when we thought we are secured, that we spend time securing it. The energy. It is very very exhausting. Try the question : "will you still love me, tomorrow?". Sorry dear. I don't know. Thank goodness i am no longer asked that, nor asking that.

Still. I know that this is the situation for me. I have many friends who define love, life, family, responsibilities and expectations differently. So, as titled, to each their own.

Not to say I do not long for security, being mortal after all. However, I have to admit that I loath security that is actually a disguise and drug to hide fear. In fact, we are combating fear like it is a real substance everyday. Fear is everything that is opposite of what we want, what we like, and what we are attached to. Hence, it is just natural that fear exist the moment there is something i like and wish to hold on to. They are one.

Not to say I do not wallow in nerves of lost. LOL. I embarrassed myself enough in this. Put it this way, if I realized I no longer love him, then that would be it. That works two ways. I had recently realized to love him is a phenomena. It is not about what he does, for it is obvious that once I no longer love him, whatever he used to do would no longer yield the same feeling. Neither me for him.

Still, to know and realized it is one, to face the fact of all my old habits of feeding the wants and needs and attentions is totally another. I have to admit I am very lucky to get to face this, and realized that loving him and expecting him to satisfy all these wants are totally two mutually exclusive things. Do it not in the name of love, and request it not in the disguise of love.

I would have to admit that self clarity, gnothi seauton, ticks me most.

No amount of mistakes or things done right in worldly sense could out win and deny this sense of clarity one has. It is the one thing that truly makes life. If I am to dream, I wish that I know I am dreaming. Period. One can say a lot of things and accused another of many a things, but we all live our own realities. That, is true.

And, I love you.